When one listens to a song, not only does he listens to the music itself but also the lyrics. Usually the reason why one replay a song over and over again is not only because he loves the tune(although that is also the case), but i believe its because he can relate with the lyrics itself (great beat helps too).
after a breakup people always tend to listen to songs that are super depressing, songs about the person who hurt them wanting them back or even about regretting letting the ONE slip away. i admit, i am HIGHLY guilty of that at times. We sing our hearts out, we scream along with the lyrics, we cry all at the same time. When things are great, we tend to listen to classic love songs while our significant other is swimming in our minds. We sing our hearts out, screaming to the world, showing off our happiness. Its human nature, and i completely understand that.
however, i came to the realization that i just don't care anymore. i stopped listening to songs based on the lyrics alone and more on the beat. i stopped relating the lyrics to my life because songs do have an ending, and well even after the song have stopped playing...i'll still be moving on with my life.
& although i have no one swimming in my mind when this song plays, i still absolutely love it.
so i don't know how it is for everyone else, but one of my pet peeves is NOT getting a thankyou for little every day things. call me selfish, self centered, i don't care. in a sense, i am. i like to get a thank you for my thoughtful actions (which i really didn't have to show). example 1: you hold the door for someone, (wasting several seconds out of your time), only to get it slammed in your face. example 2: you let someone infront of you on the highway/road, and no thank you. no sign of acknowledgment at all.
its not that i demand a thank you, i don't. I just absolutely hate it when they show no sign of a thank you what so ever. what happened to courtesy and being grateful?
I feel like i have gotten accustom to the dating world without all the emotional ties involved.
I date because its of connivence, and not because it makes my heart skips a beat. Wining and dinning, gifts, flowers, texts, phone conversations, dates. They all correlates into my world of dating, yet passion, doesn't. I haven't found myself being passionately involve with any of the men who i have dated within these last couple of months. Its all been platonic relationships in my eyes and i don't mind it one bit, its more for company. And as soon as they initiate more, i always find myself in the same situation, giving the same speech.
"Its not you, it really isn't. Its me." I know, its quite overrated but its been working quite well. I have a little twist to my whole speech approach though. I put the blame of the "Its me", on them. Why i started having my doubts on them, that way i don't feel as bad (because i have no explanation). I know its so wrong, yet at the same time its my way of not leading them on.
As I'm sitting here, i realize maybe the girlfriends are correct when we had our talk last weekend. L:"I really think that in your weird twisted mind, you find comfort in being by yourself." S:"Its not that she wants to be alone, she is just so used to it that it just feels right not depending on another person." T:"Your day will come around. So what if you don't feel anything for these guys?" Me: BLANK. clueless as to what i really want.
i like to refer my mom as my best friend. afterall, she is the only person who knows me better than myself. sure we argue at times and don't agree on certain things, but life is as good as it gets when she is in it.
So yesterday we had our weekly mother and daughter outting that starts off with me picking her up. As soon as she got into the car, "J, why in the world do you have so many pair of shoes in here? When i was your age, i had two and i wore them for years." Then the momster rambled on about why must i get a two door, they are so inconvenient and not roomy at all, how my father hates two doors. Soon enough she was rambling on about why am i going so fast on the highway (i was exactly at my speed limit!), and telling me to turn the music down because she doesn't like to listen to mourners(i was listening to toni braxton)...yet, i couldn't help but smile the whole time.
When i was younger, i used to talk back to my momster alot. I couldn't understand why she always nagged and complained about the little things i did. It was always,"Drive, slower. Always have your foot on the breaks." "The way you're dress, you are inviting all the guys over & its not in a good way." "I don't understand why you hang out with those girls, i can tell you right now they aren't good girls." "You don't need to wear makeup to look beautiful, the way you put it on...i can see all the colors of the rainbow." Back then, i thought they things she said was ridiculous. Yet as the years passed...so did the reckless driving, the fake friendships, the revealing clothing, the good for nothing guys, the massive tons of makeup, etc. Momster aka mother, always seemed to be correct, as much as i hate to admit it.
I had moments where i wanted to scream and yell at her, i had my days when i couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. But i realize as i grow older everyday, when it comes down to it...all that really matters is that she will always be my ONE AND ONLY mother. No matter how much she nags, yells, complains; she is still a great mother. I can still remember my first heartbreak, she held me in her arms all night as i cried myself to sleep(I WAS ONLY 15, and still a baby haha). I can still remember her words clearly, "There are so many fishes out in the sea honey, you run into one at every corner you turn. You can't think ONLY one is good for you, you only think that way because you have met the BEST one for you yet, & trust me honey...that boy sure wasn't the BEST for you. If he was, he wouldn't have made you cry now would he? Now, trust me they always come back, but when he comes back honey...you won't want him anymore."
*a month after that my momster paid for my sister and i to go to hawaii to relax, she wanted me to forget it all and start over again. i must say, my first heartbreak helped me bond with my mother in a way we never bonded before. i grew to accept the fact that she too have feelings and emotions; that not only is she my mom...but she is also a person with human qualities and i should respect that. Oh, and the boy did come back, just as she said he would. Oh, by that time...i didn't care anymore=).
the last time we were together, i was all yours and you were mine. & now, well now, you are hers.
there we stood inches apart and i could still feel your fiery stare on me. i could feel the butterflies still in the pit of my stomach from the last time we parted, as i tried my best to control them from flying everywhere. i didn't want them flying to you, i didn't want you to know that i am still standing in the same place since you last left.
as i scrolled down the pictures on your camera, you grabbed it and skipped over a few then handed it back to me. "Hey, i wasn't finish looking at the ones with your dad!" "Well, that was the last picture with him, and all the others after that aren't important." you began to fidget more than usual as i went back to those pictures you desperately wanted to skip, and there we stood in silence. HER?
i'm sure she is a nice girl, and i'm sure she already have taken my place in making you smile. but as i looked at those pictures, of her, i couldn't help but see that you have chose the complete opposite of me. And no, i am not saying she isn't pleasant to look at or that i am...afterall beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I am saying that your choice just shocked me & at the same time hurted me. Shocked me because its HER that you chose, hurted me because i know the reason behind your choice and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
"She lives 15 minuets away. That and, i don't have to worry when i'm with her about other guys." she is of convenience and i am not. you're more secure with her. the truth behind your choice.
As we parted again this time, you grabbed my arm and said:
"I know this doesn't help but i need to get it off my chest. Sometimes, i wish she was you." I smiled. You always have a way of coming back unexpectedly, only this time, it didn't matter anymore. "Thanks." I walked away not daring to look back in your direction, knowing you will be in her arms within hours.
"goodbye my almost lover. goodbye my hopeless dream."
